What she said...

I guess that's alright though, Patrick is good at handling me. :}

Dying fishes sink, not float

Suctioned, she falls

To an imploding death

"I can't swim with ripped fins"

she said

Body is frail and shriveled

Laying dead on the bottom

With

Glass-coated wide eyes

Stare intensely at nothing

Who knows

How many tears

Went missed, unnnoticed hidden

In the salt water where she lives...

she lives in her tears

Wallowing in her own demise

Accepting, embracing

the night

And

Finally her fins give in

Too tired to try

She sinks to the bottom

Decaying in darkness.

Sometimes its hard

for me to express

The feelings I feel

because they feel like a mess

I'm confused myself

and I don't see why

Still I open my mouth

but it was only a sigh

I have no religion

I have no style

I think that I'm happy

But I'm just in denial

I can't find myself,

What's in my soul

I want to be me

I want to be whole.

My soul is a secret

but not by choice

I'm not too articulate

but I still have a voice.

Rhymes are cheap,

but so are words

Maybe if I rhyme

my words will be heard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"On a Tuesday Morning"

Clouds hang across the morning

Like old gray sheets, and

Plodding to the car

I kick through leaf clumps

Sodden from three days dripping

Cold November rain.

A faint shout

Echoes over blackened city rooftops and

Nudges a grizzled memory dozing in a corner

Of my mind until

It tumbles out

Yelling,

"Geese!"

My gaze snaps up to

A ragged wedge of

Honking, laughing whistle-wingers

Slicing the air in sharp arcs

South bound--boisterous, brave, strong

(Knowing it too)--

For shallow waters in sunny bays,

Hollering,

"You bet, we're on the way, and

We're gonna make Georgia

In a week, sure!"

My spirit flashes up

Plunging headlong among them, and

I leap,

Punching both fists skyward and

Cry,

"Go for it"

Do it for us all.

You lucky dogs!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a true and honest boy who cares

I wonder when I am going to die

I hear things in my head

I see the future

I want UMass to win the NCAA Tournament

I am a true and honest boy who cares.

I pretend I'm going to be a pro basketball player

I feel so sad

I touch god

I worry that one day I will get cancer

I cry when a loved one dies

I am a true and honest boy who cares.

I understand that everybody has to die

I say I beleive in god

I dream about my life

I try to do good in school

I hope I go to college

I am a true and honest boy who cares. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I waved to my Russian friends

From the edge of Kamchatka

And dove into the cold, salty ocean

I swam until I burned

To get away from this place

If its the last thing I ever do

I'll get away from this place

For the guy who wrote that song

I wonder where he went to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its a desert outside

Its too hot and dry

It drains my head

I feel sorta dead

It sucks my life

My life sucks.

Happy no more

The haze has returned

The haze takes revenge

On the things I have learned.

The haze is a blanket

Its dark and hot

It wraps itself around me

And ties a tight knot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

some poems I wrote, some others wrote

A lot has been going on...good things and bad things.  However, this past week has most certainly been dominated by the bad things:

1.  My friend Andy killed himself, and although I didn't know him too terribly well, his death has had a profound effect on me.

2.   I found out that my friend Kiel is in Iraq, and has to stay there for quite sometime.  I think I will send him some cigarettes or something, if I'm even allowed to.

3. Work has been crazy because of mother's day.

4.   A couple nights ago I got too drunk to drive home (off only 2 drinks, what the fuck) and I had to call mommy and daddy to come pick me up at a bar in Hamtramck at 2 am.  They were not pleased.  Also, last weekend, I lost my car keys in Royal Oak and they had to pick my car up out there. (I'm really good at getting drunk and then inconveinencing other people.)  Wow, I feel like an irresponsible asshole. 

5.  My bosses, Marty and Howard are separating.  They would have been together for 25 years this summer.

Just things keep sucking.  I'm not going to say it can't get worse because from my experience, that is just not true.  A lot of other things went wrong this week, I just listed a few. On the other hand, many things are going well.  Right now, I'm probably in the best place in life that I have been in over a year, but i just can't enjoy it.  I don't know how to.  I never get excited, apprehensive, nervous, mad, jealous, horny, or many many other emotions I used to get and took for granted.  I'm just sorta floating along, and existing, substaining, but not enjoying life.  I probably seem happy to everyone around me, because that's how I act.  But now I'm beginning to realize that acting is all it is. 

So, I woke up this morning and turned on the tv.  Blind Date was on, so I decided to watch it.  This girl and guy were on a date, and he tells her out of nowhere that he is a crossdresser and is going into the bathroom to change into "Pandora", his alter ego.  He comes back out as Pandora and he is about 2 feet taller than his date, and 20 lbs lighter.  They go to a strip club and Pandora dances....and this giant blur blob comes on every time her dress rides up too high.  It was soo funny.  Oh, yeah, I just smoked a bowl, too, (yes, I know it's not noon yet) so maybe that has something to do with the reason I decided it was worth posting in my journal.  Now I'm rambling, so I'll be done  :)

Today is 4/20, so I thought I would just pretend I'm still 15 and celebrate! It's 4/20! Time to get high! Ok, enough of that.

I worked today, nothing special. Stacey brought in her pictures of when she went to Europe last summer. She went to London, Dublin, and Paris, which are all the same places we're going, so it was nice to look at some photos.  I am beginning to get excited about the trip.   Nothing else is really going on, so I guess I'm done writing.....